THE SCHOOLMASTER

He could neither read nor write. It was obvious therefore to him that schoolmastering was the perfect trade for him, since all that is required is the name of being a great grammarian. Great grammarians are often poor men with narrow though intense intellects, and his intellect was indeed narrow and his pockets were indeed empty and his need for money was indeed intense.

So he went to Avoch, sat down at the shore road, tipped his hat forward across his eyes, took out a tattered old chapbook he had found discarded by the road, and seemed to pore over it. When a kindly goodwife went past she stopped to pass the time of day, and asked what he was reading.

"Ah, a most elequantised tome of cerebrated antiquities, by the most reproved masters of logistical verballising, my good lady. Why, here it states the fifty three principles whereby the young may be brought to a proper comprestanding of language, whereat in adulterous life they will attain and prospect to largess of fortune."

The old lady went bustling off to tell her neighbours that a man of learning and eloquence had come, and might perhaps be persuaded to stay and teach their children, and since he seemed a hedge professor he would surely teach for a third of the pennyweight it cost to send their youth to the stonebuilt school.

So it proved. He soon gathered up a sizeable group of students of various sizes. He first found out which of the children knew a little, and set them to teach the others. He would look on, and commend some part of their lore, but criticise in vague or abstruse ways other aspects of what they did. By the judicious use of a blackthorn stick pulled from the hedge he silenced all criticisms and unwonted queries.

One morning he sat scowling at the terrified tinies under his charge, fiddling with his blackthorn stick. A distressed woman came to him, flourishing a letter.

"Oh, schoolmaster, help me. This has come and I cannot read it, help me, please."

He rose quickly.

"I was just about to go and consult with my esquired collegiate at a tempest of learning some way from here, on a matter of theographical disputation that vexes me. Your epistolary matter must wait."

She clung to his sleeve, and refused to let him go. She must have it read now.

"Well, perhaps one of my young scholars will transliterate it, as a test of the knowledge I have crammed into their ungrateful skulls?"

"No, no, I cannot have them take my business to be common tittat to be passed round the houses. This letter must be from or about my husband, who had been away these five years. Only you can aid me!"

The schoolmaster was obliged to take the letter. He held it upside down, and sweat began to pour from every pore of him as he frowned at it furiously. Seeing his distress the woman was terrified.

"Do not hide the news! Is he dead?"

The schoolmaster stroked his unshaved cheek, rubbed his ear, pursed his lips, but said nothing.

"Oh, tell, tell, tell me. Am I a widow and my children orphaned? Must I throw myself upon the world?"

"Indeed," said the schoolmaster, "throw yourself into distress."

She rushed away home, weeping and lamenting, and was met by her neighbours, who began to share her distress. The minister was sent for, and when he came asked for details of the death. She showed him the letter. He read it aloud.

Dear Auntie Jean,
I have not seen you in a long time, but will be passing by Alness in a month, and will look in when I pass. I have sent you a present from my father's shop, a linen sheet and an embroidered cover, so look out for a parcel coming soon. I hear that Uncle Alex does well in his job, but I do hope he will be able to come home soon.
Yours sincerely,
Annabella
(Kittie's daughter)

The woman took the letter, ran to the schoolmaster and began to tell him off for misleading her.

"Are you not ashamed? You tell my man is dead, when the letter talks about him doing well, and coming home soon, and about a linen sheet and cover!"

"I am most sorry, madam, but I read the letter quickly while thinking upon weighty matters, and I held it upside down, so read that your husband was being sent home to you covered in a linen sheet."